I am at war with reality again.
Like it or not, I would have to slap my own face and eventually stop living in this fantasy world I created. I would have to move my cheese, pick myself up and start looking reality straight in the eye. I would have to leave my comfort zone, even if I don’t want to. Even if I’m scared shit of doing it.
In my fantasy world, everything goes my way. I have a great job which I love to do; I have fabulous friends who never leave me. I have a wonderful life full of laughter, adventure and mystery; I have a promising love-life with K, no matter how far he may be. But I would have to leave this fantasy world.
I just got word that I’m being transferred to a different account. Exciting as it may seem, I am actually scared shit of facing it head-on. It’s a new challenge, a new work environment, a new boss and new people to deal with. I have built my corporate world around the current account and now I feel like I’m starting a job just like a newly hired employee. There go the feelings of being superior, the sense of being an expert on something. Fuck, I feel like I’m back to square one.
To make things worse, I feel like I’ve broken up with my best friend. I know she means well and it means nothing to her but I couldn’t help but blame it all on my ex-boyfriend. She spends more time with him now than she does with me. I know that he needs her attention more than I do but this is getting out of hand. I can see that he’s over the heartbreak.
But Jessica’s not the same person I considered my best friend anymore: she’s cold and she does not respond to me the way she used to. I know I’m being selfish and immature and that all these things may just be a product of my crazy imagination, but I just miss her so much. She’s always been a fixture in my life, someone I can run to with stories both happy and scary. I want to still believe that she has my back the way I have hers. And I’m hoping against hope that it’s true.
And the promising love-life? If you can call a cyber romance that revolves around Facebook status comments, occasional PMs and emails using his work account promising, then YES, my love-life is in full bloom. Well there’s the almost-daily chat that we do over Facebook or Yahoo Messenger but apart from that, K is just a picture I look at when I wake up at 8:30 in the evening.
Nobody can call it an official LDR, not even K-obsessed me. We do not have commitments save for the “rest assured that there’s no one else in my life” line in a Facebook message he sent ages ago. He knows pretty much how I feel about him but I don’t know whether he wants to reciprocate. He says he misses me, says he has been thinking about me a lot. But where do we go from here? Is there a better world beyond ‘been thinking of you’ and ‘I miss you’?
I miss K more than I’ve missed anyone in my life. But I would have to face the fact that I could not go on like this forever; that I would eventually have to be that brave little kid who decided to let go instead of hold on. I am not ready to let go yet, not today, not tonight, maybe not in the next few months. But I have now come to terms with the fact that there’s abso-fucking-lutely nothing between holding on and letting go. It’s either one or the other.
I know I would have to leave the comforts of my fantasy world. I may lose a bit of my sanity in the process, I may even fall apart. Hell, it feels like I’m jumping off the edge of a 40-storey building: I know I’d be dead even before I hit the ground.
But in this war between my fantasy world against the real one, I would have to accept defeat.
Reality bites. And when it does, it makes you bleed.
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