Not the end

1:03 AM, April 12, 2010

In my cube

“Hey,” he said. He was telling me that true to our hunch, he was setup for another date and he was very angry about it.

And I thought, he was certainly being pushed to marry and he will eventually find a desirable wife among the candidates. He said he was not looking for one.

Here’s an excerpt from K’s message sent through Facebook:

I am not a good guy. You have so much potential, so beautiful in many ways. You deserve better.
Knowing you was the best experience I've had in a long time.
Please be assured that there is no one else in my life. You have been great to me, and I of course have not.
You know I am not here for long.
This is not the end....


How cryptic can he get, right? Nevertheless, I felt warm all over and my mind raced ahead of me. I imagined us communicating in the next few months, trying to know each other more and struggling to keep the embers burning.

“Please be assured that there is no one else in my life”. Did that mean that there is someone and that it was me? “This is not the end”. Not the end of what?

So many questions formed in my mind and I spent the whole day (sleepless again), trying to decipher his meaning and composing a suitable reply.

I spent my rest day mulling over a Facebook message and I knew that it was not a good sign. At 10PM , I finally gave up. Being a writer (or an ex-writer) did not help at all. For the first time in my 13-year writing experience, I got stuck on a simple reply to a simple (but oh-so-cryptic) message. So I called Mellow and we went out for a gab session in our now-favorite coffee shop near my ex’s crib.

After a lot of “what the hells” and “just send a three-liner” and more than five drafts, I finally sent K this reply:


I honestly don’t know what to say. There’s one thing I know though, I am not looking for a good guy coz I’m not a good girl either.

What we had was one of the things I would remember for a lifetime and I’m pretty sure that I will think of you whenever I pass by places we went to.

There’s so much more I want to say but I could not find the right words. You are in so many ways, the best guy who walked into my life and it’s too bad that you’d have to walk out of it too soon.

But as you said, this is not the end. All I could do is keep my fingers crossed.


It was, for me, a perfect reply. Six short sentences that expressed pretty much how I felt without giving too much away. It should have been a great way to end the charade and just wait for the next events to unfold after he leaves.

But he replied saying that he has already checked into his hotel. He asked if he can see me again.

And just like a junkie hungry for her next dose, I immediately asked when.